TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely outside of spot. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have One more area exactly where American Gentlemen can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present All people a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You already know, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. Trump Tower Damascus "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have turn-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

Report this page